February 2012
2 posts
6 tags
Just One of the Guyz
Elizabeth Banks and I are in a fight.
See, I like Elizabeth Banks. More than that, I want to like her. She’s made a name for herself mostly in comedy and we all know how much I like pretty blonde ladies who do well in comedy.
However, her recent Women’s Health interview left me feeling deeply saddened, and it wasn’t just because she tried to insinuate eating bananas was as...
5 tags
10 Fun Valentine's Day Activities to do with your...
Be spontaneous! Go to the DMV together and wait in line. Spend a whole day there!
Consider a romantic arts and crafts activity, like constructing homemade anal beads or building a spaceship made out of yarn.
Try something new in the bedroom. For example, scream “YOUR MOTHER NEVER LOVED YOU!” at the height of climax for a fun surprise.
Order for each other in a restaurant. If your...
January 2012
3 posts
3 tags
Titles For Potential Love Songs I Would Write If I...
“Thank You for Understanding How Important the NBC Thursday Night Comedy Lineup is to My Well Being”
“Let’s Eat A Lot of Birthday Cake and Then Potentially Have Sex But Only If I’m Not Too Full”
“I’d Love to Sit At Starbucks With You For a Few Hours and People Watch”
“Tell Me I’m Funny Or I Will Throw Myself Out of This...
ikanacanyon asked: You forgot about your 4th best friend who is the most attractive dude who is also the FUNNIEST person you've met who makes you question your sexuality sometimes. His taste in music is also impeccable.
4 tags
Why All My Best Friends Are Useless To Me
The problem with being in love with pop culture is that it has destroyed my friendship patterns.
“Ah,” you say, nodding sagely. “It’s because you spend too much time in front of the TV/computer/books, and not enough time with your friends.”
Wrong, asshole! That is not the problem. I see my best friends all the time. I’m constantly around my friends. And we...
December 2011
5 posts
4 tags
10 New Year's Resolutions I Will Not Make This...
I will not resolve to lose weight. My self worth is not dictated by how much weight I lose, gain or maintain, and whatever asshole body-policers think it is can fall the fuck back.
I will not resolve to drink more water. The day I replace coffee with water is the day water becomes caffeinated, delicious, heartwarming and life-affirming.
I will not resolve to “eat better.” The way I...
7 tags
A Succinct and Not At All Emotionally Crippling...
Are you interested in dating me (in this parallel universe I’ve just created where tens of people are lined up outside my doorstep with buckets of candy and flowers demanding to make me their girlfriend)? Great! Before we get started, I’d like you to fill out this brief form. It’s just for technical reasons, nothing weird or difficult.
For Statistical Purposes:
Name
Age
...
5 tags
How I Wrap Presents (Happy Holidays)
Begin by scouring my house for all available boxes. The only boxes will either be a)enormous North Face monster-sized coffins that once contained all the winter coats in the world or b)so tiny they are not visible to the naked eye and must have held nothing but a single snowflake
Lock myself in my room with my presents and boxes scattered around the unmade bed, so that I will inevitably forget...
6 tags
Not a Threesome, But Kinda.
If ever there’s a time I am in a relationship, start stocking up on your non-perishables because the apocalypse is surely upon us.
I don’t say that as a weird false modesty thing, or in an effort to get people to respond to me with comments like “BUT YOU’RE SO BEAUTIFUL LIKE STARSHINE AND YOU JUST NEED TO HOLD OUT FOR THE RIGHT QURL” or whatever. Like, I’ve...
5 tags
Potential Reasons I don't have a girlfriend: Part...
I spend a lot of time actively imagining the ways I might propose to Ellen Page, if we were dating, and then I relay those possibilities to friends, family members, and also strangers
I have planned out a lesbian wedding complete with complimentary engaygment rings, even though I am 21 years old and have no prospects.
I actively read a lot of fanfiction about Ron and Hermione
I have a tattoo...
November 2011
4 posts
6 tags
Where the FUCK is my "will-they, won't-they?"
Lesbian issues are plentiful. blah blah marriage inequality homeless queer youth trans* life expectancies are terrible dan savage ruins everything so LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THAT REALLY MATTERS. TELEVISION.
Specifically, television couples. Great television couples. Do you know who the greatest television couples are? Sweet, shut your mouth and listen up because your opinion is...
6 tags
Things I'm Not Thankful For (in the Spirit of...
Since most of my favorite, usually snarky bloggers like to use Thanksgiving as an excuse to get Serious For a Second and talk about what they’re thankful for, and I, as the resident fun sucker of my family and friends, like to remind everyone about the fact that Thanksgiving (if it even happened the way we think it did, which is hugely debatable) also commemorates the horrifying mass murder...
6 tags
Open Letter to the Man Who May or May Not Have...
Dear Sir,
Perhaps it did not occur to you, whilst perusing the chilled sandwich and salad aisle at our local 24-hour convenience store, that shouting, “She’s a big ‘un!” at me an upwards of six times was not the greatest compliment a woman could ever be paid. My sincerest apologies if I misled you to believe that it was.
In fact, I certainly understand how ignoring...
4 tags
All the Single Lesbians (Or: A Sampling of things...
Watch the L Word for the sex scenes. Rewind through any/all terrible dialogue.
Watch Law and Order SVU for lesbian subtext. Cry because Benson and Cabot’s imaginary relationship is more beautiful than anything I could ever hope to have
Tegan and Sara on high rotation because every single song really“speaks to where I am right now”
Read ALL OF THE FANFICTION.
Bake cupcakes.
Drink entire...