24 11 / 2011

Things I’m Not Thankful For (in the Spirit of Thanksgiving)

Since most of my favorite, usually snarky bloggers like to use Thanksgiving as an excuse to get Serious For a Second and talk about what they’re thankful for, and I, as the resident fun sucker of my family and friends, like to remind everyone about the fact that Thanksgiving (if it even happened the way we think it did, which is hugely debatable) also commemorates the horrifying mass murder of hundreds of thousands of people, I’m using this opportunity to talk about what I’m NOT fucking thankful for, and I’ll start with Western paradigms of history.

Things I am Not Thankful For In No Order:

  • The horrifying mass murder of hundreds of thousands of people
  • Patriarchy
  • Genocide, more generally speaking
  • Rape culture
  • Low batteries
  • The butchering of Ron Wealsey by Steve Kloves, David Yates and the team behind the Harry Potter films
  • Being in love when someone doesn’t love you back
  • My tax dollars paying for imperialism
  • Condensed soup because..why
  • Glee ruining queerness for teenagers everywhere
  • Jay Leno still even being allowed to have a talk show like who thinks that guy is funny? WHO??? Ditto for David Letterman.
  • Non-sympathetic professors
  • Our entire education and healthcare system
  • OWS protestors being brutalized and subsequently belittled for it by mass media
  • Chapped lips
  • Clumpy mascara
  • Normative binaries
  • Gender constructs
  • The one barista at the coffee shop that doesn’t make your drink that great and somehow even though you try to figure out their schedule and not go when they’re working they are ALWAYS there when you order a drink so you are forced to get crappy drinks fairly consistently
  • The fact that SOPA was a thing for a while. I mean, it didn’t pass, but yikes.
  • The fact that people use thanksgiving as a time for terrible cliches, such as making lists of what they’re thankful for.
  • Terrible cliches
  • The expression “lovemaking”
  • White privilege
  • Fatphobia
  • Capitalism
  • When my boots get scuff marks that won’t come off
  • Being told to “smile more”
  • Being told I “take things too seriously”
  • When female comedians are compared to each other all the time
  • Being asked if I’m going to “put that joke in my act”
  • My various insecurities
  • Coffee stains on everything I own
  • Cancer
  • The male gaze
  • Being attracted to women who adhere to the male gaze and feeling bad about it
  • When my ipod freezes
  • The fact that I still don’t have internet on my phone
  • The fact that this is a problem for me
  • The underwire on bras because that shit is not comfortable.

And so on.

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