04 12 / 2011
Potential Reasons I don’t have a girlfriend: Part 1 of 2,454,676 billion
- I spend a lot of time actively imagining the ways I might propose to Ellen Page, if we were dating, and then I relay those possibilities to friends, family members, and also strangers
- I have planned out a lesbian wedding complete with complimentary engaygment rings, even though I am 21 years old and have no prospects.
- I actively read a lot of fanfiction about Ron and Hermione
- I have a tattoo dedicated to my love of Ron and Hermione (and, okay, Harry Potter more broadly, and the significance of time, which is what I tell people who look at me with judgment in their eyes, but it’s definitely heavily devoted to Ron and Hermione)
- I say things like “Owls probably can’t feel love” when people tell me how adorable they are
- I buy 5 cookies and eat them for dinner and then eat cake for dessert…more than once a month
- I can’t interact with employees at coffee shops or restaurants or school libraries without saying things like “THANK YOU SO MUCH!” at the top of my lungs while staring deeply into their eyes because I’m afraid I’ll seem unfriendly if I act like a regular person
- I cried so hard watching the Season 2 finale of Doctor Who that my mom came into my room to ask me who died
- I know all the words to The Wild Thornberrys intro, and I like to whip it out at parties for a fun meet and greet scenario
- I hate the L Word and anytime a lesbian brings it up I roll my eyes and scoff audibly, before referencing obscure lesbian couples on television shows no one has seen because they are “fully realized characters”
- I use phrases like “fully realized characters”
- I can’t go about 5 minutes in any conversation without bringing up my parents or sister or best friend/sister and how funny/great/beautiful/perfect they are
- Whenever I think a couple is cute I say “IRL OTP!” or “I ship it!”
- If I have a conversation with a girl who is remotely cute I start planning what I would say on talk shows 4 years from now when we’re still together and I’m being interviewed about a comedy I just wrote and starred in and I’m telling Conan all about my real life girlfriend
- I spend most of my time feeling sorry for myself about being in unrequited love or some shit and I get sad drunk and sit on my friends’ laps and ask them if anyone will love me
- I make a habit of talking so often and loudly in class that professors say things like “Anyone….else? Literally anyone?”
- My mom told me I’ll be a late bloomer…4 months ago.
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