25 12 / 2011
A Succinct and Not At All Emotionally Crippling Dating Application
Are you interested in dating me (in this parallel universe I’ve just created where tens of people are lined up outside my doorstep with buckets of candy and flowers demanding to make me their girlfriend)? Great! Before we get started, I’d like you to fill out this brief form. It’s just for technical reasons, nothing weird or difficult.
For Statistical Purposes:
- Name
- Age
- Location (if unreasonable amount of miles away from my hometown/school, please consider resending your application at a later date)
- Gender/sexual identity (if not lesbian/or queer female-identified human, are you Adam Scott? If no, please consider burning this application.)
- Current Employment/Education/Career aspirations (if you are a [future] sexy lawyer you may hand in your application at this time, as I’ve already begun planning our nuptials)
Survey Questions (Hint: Many of these are what you would call “leading questions” and the right answers should be easy to discern):
- Do you like Harry Potter? Y/N
- Do you think the books are better? Y/N
- Do you ship Ron/Hermione? Y/N
- Do you know what shipping is? Y/N
- Is Ron Weasley a testament to the beauty of this world? Y/N
- Do you like the Internet? Y/N
- Do you spend more than two hours a day glued to the Internet? Y/N
- Are you a feminist? Y/N
- Do you consider yourself a reader? Y/N
- Do you have active fandoms? Y/N
- Would you have trouble dating someone whose emotional investments are skewed towards fictional characters? Y/N
- Do you plan your days around food? Y/N
- Is your favorite food everything? Y/N
- Would you have trouble dating someone who has cried openly at the mere thought of never having a love like Ron and Hermione? Y/N
- Would you have trouble dating someone who cannot muster a single tear for external injuries or any number of valid real life problems? Y/N
- Do you think women are all set, equality wise? Y/N
- Do you think men and women are just “wired differently” because of neurology you don’t actually understand but claim to because you think you are a scientist and don’t understand the difference between pop neurology and actual scientific data? Y/N
- Are there only two genders because God “doesn’t make mistakes”? Y/N
- Is it important to you that a lesbian relationship conforms to dated and occasionally oppressive butch-femme dichotomies that often limit our identies? Y/N
- Are you narrow-minded enough to believe that feminine women who date other feminine women are pandering to the male gaze because you don’t realize the revolutionary potential of constructing non-patriarchal female identities? Y/N
- Are marginalized racial groups racist against white people? Y/N
- Is marriage the obvious number one concern of the queer community? Y/N
- Should the queer community throw all of our resources into assimilating with the dominant heteronormative culture since they’ve defintely figured out the key to successful relationships and lives and throw away everything that makes being queer different and interesting? Y/N
- Would you have trouble dating someone who believes that we should overthrow oppressive paradigms but also has several engaygment rings and commitment ceremony dresses saved to her desktop? Y/N
- Do you like cats? Y/N
References:
Please provide 2-3 recommendation letters, of any length, from your best friends, family members, or fictional characters you strongly identify with.
Thank you for your application. It will be reviewed in the order it was received. If you don’t hear from me within the next week, I’ve moved on.
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