Feminist Underwear

10 New Year’s Resolutions I Will Not Make This Year

1. I will not resolve to lose weight. My self worth is not dictated by how much weight I lose, gain or maintain, and whatever asshole body-policers think it is can fall the fuck back.
2. I will not resolve to drink more water. The day I replace coffee with water is the day water becomes caffeinated, delicious, heartwarming and life-affirming.
3. I will not resolve to “eat better.” The way I see it, I put enough food in my mouth every day that some of it is bound to have the nutrients I need. Plus I take a multi-vitamin and like life is too short to subside on spinach and quinoa alone.
4. I will not resolve to get a girlfriend. This is very important. I always tell myself “this is the year!” and then I end up having inappropriate feelings towards friends, making OkCupid profiles, and trying to seduce freshmen. I’m not about to show everyone the ugly side of me for the 4th year in a row. Plus doesn’t love come to you when you least expect it or something equally gay?
5. I will not resolve to get organized. Both my dorm room and my room at home are covered in 57 piles of books, you cannot see the floor, and the last time my desk was cleaned indoor plumbing hadn’t been invented yet. But life is too short for me to worry about cleaning, so the only weekly cleaning I will be performing this year is the bathroom and the kitchen countertops.
6. I will not resolve to save money. I have no disposable income, and the money I spend will need to go towards food, alcohol, drugs, music, and books. This is the last semester of my life I will have an excuse to treat money like it comes out of my eyeballs so I plan on making the most of it.
7. I wil not resolve to “branch out” or “try new things.” I know what I like and what I like is generally playing video games with my friends while stoned, watching television with my friends while drunk, or going to concerts with my friends while stoned. The pattern is easily recognizable here and I plan on sticking to it. Trying hot yoga or training dragons or gardening poisonous flowers just for the fuck of it is not happening this year or any year.
8. I will not resolve to stop watching so much television. Television does not rot my brain because I don’t watch nothing but Say Yes to the Dress for 6 hours per day. I want to write/perform for television one day and it’s silly not to recognize how valuable of a medium it is.
9. I will not resolve to cut down on Internet. The Internet is where my soul is, where comedy is, where feminism and social justice is, and where my friends are. Internet and I are in love and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, and why would I want to change that just because my family is “worried about me getting a Vitamin D deficiency”?
10. I will not resolve to make new friends. I already have enough friends. I love my friends. Why do I need more friends? What’s the point of making new friends when I have these people that I already know and love and want to spend time with, and there are enough of them in my life that I could easily live 100 years and not need to worry about having any more friends? I’m all set, friend-wise, and if I do make new friends it’s going to happen organically and not because I invite my entire senior English seminar to brunch.

The point is, this year I’m not making resolutions I won’t stick to because I know myself and I know that I am generally a ridiculous person with a lot of strong opinions. These opinions aren’t going away for the sake of “self improvement” or “mental health” or “basic life skills” so good riddance, shitty New Year’s Resolutions, and Happy New Year.